Being the Heavy AND the Heart
Sep 05, 2023
"I feel so fake comforting my son when I was the one who gave him the consequence he's upset about."
Being the Heavy AND the Heart - A lot of us see ourselves as the meanie or the heavy when disciplining our kids because we have learned to equate discipline with punishment. Of course, comforting our ‘victim’ would seem fake under this paradigm! Showing sympathy while giving discipline could even feel like you’re gaslighting your kid!
But the idea that discipline must be punitive is FALSE.
Relationship-based parenting means we give our children the cornerstones of any healthy relationship - empathy AND boundaries. My clients learn to create a container for their children with loving, neutral boundaries. With this approach, they soon discover:
Even when we are the ones enforcing the container, our kids primarily experience the CONTAINER, not the enforcer.
They don’t see us as the wicked witch who is being mean to them. Instead, it’s more like, “This situation sucks, and you are the person I go to when stuff sucks, so I’m really glad you’re here.”
I bet you’ve already experienced this: Has your kid ever received discipline from YOU, then come into YOUR lap for a hug and snuggle to comfort themselves about it? When parents are loving and neutral in delivering discipline, this happens all the time, even with teenagers (well, maybe not the crawling into your lap part, but you know what I meanπ)!
How magical would it be to discipline your child while maintaining connection?
Can you imagine feeling only deep love and compassion while they rage against their consequence? And what would it be like for your child to quickly accept their situation, then feel repair and regulation around it together with you?
Incredible! The consequence does the teaching and the relationship is at the center.
You CAN be the heavy and the heart at the same time, and it is beautiful.
This sounds great in an email, but putting it into practice can be so much harder, especially if you weren't raised that way. If you're reading this thinking, "YES! This is exactly it!" and looking for support in making these shifts, I can help you. This is exactly what I help my clients do, and it changes their lives and their kids' childhoods. It starts with a Discovery Call where I learn about your family, give you a roadmap to turn it around, and talk about what it looks like to work together. Book a Discovery Call with me.
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