Getting in an Arms Race with Big Kids
Aug 20, 2024
Are you in a parenting arms race with your child?
Getting in an Arms Race with Big Kids - The biggest mistake my clients make when dealing with older kids’ behavior is upping the ante with consequences. These kids make bigger mistakes, so the consequences should be bigger, too, right? Wrong.
Escalating Arms Race
This creates an escalating arms race. If a kid misses an assignment, they lose TV for a day. If they don’t make the work up, it’s a week. Now, they have several missing assignments and have lost all screens for two weeks. Soon, they’ll be graduating before they get their privileges back. Meanwhile, their behavior gets worse, not better.
Grounded for Life
We all knew kids in school who were perpetually grounded for life. These kids usually got caught in their next mistake before they could ever get ‘ungrounded,’ extending their sentence, going around and around with their parents indefinitely.
Big kids need wins to keep them invested because they are impulsive and short-sighted. Sticking with something without a payoff is nearly impossible, so they give up. Combine this with big emotions and a fragile sense of self - it’s easy to see why intense consequences lead to hopelessness and disengagement. Instead, targeted, attainable goals delivered with emotional intelligence are the way to go. Parenting this way can be so hard - can’t we just ground them!?
Functional Frontal Lobes
Luckily, we grownups have functional frontal lobes! We can keep the big picture in sight and stay on track until we figure things out. And it’s my job to help you do both - stick with it and figure it out! If you’re ready to get input and support while you go through this chapter, it’s time for us to meet! I hope you can set up a free Discovery Call and share your goals and challenges. I’ll give you my honest feedback, and you’ll walk away from our call with a clear roadmap for the dynamics you really want with your child.
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